Relationships are usually broken down into the five stages of a relationship which are Meeting, Doubt and Denial, Disillusionment, the Decision, and Wholehearted Love. Every single relationship moves through these five stages though not only once. Think of these stages not as steppingstones to a final outcome but rather as a series of seasons that we have to move through. The stages might be linear but mostly cyclical different people have different phases.
We often think all intimate relationships reliably progress from the initial meet-cute to giddy infatuation, to a series of small trials and tribulations, and finally to a blissful state of happily-ever-after. It's a satisfying narrative we see all the time in the movies, TV, and music. In reality, love is a journey without a final destination. We shouldn't expect that at some point in our relationship, we will look back at the obstacles we overcame and say, "Well, that's it! We're here! We made it!" Because beyond wherever you are now, another hurdle awaits.
The first stage of a relationship is the Meeting aka the honeymoon phase. It's the initial, sweeping romance that often consumes a couple when they first get together, including an all consuming joy in the presence of our partner and insatiable, passionate sex. Often people in this stage of a relationship will feel as if they've found their "perfect match," someone who is so frighteningly similar and compatible with them. They feel they always want to be together, and boundaries often melt away. The two seem to merge together, or at least feel eager to do so.
These emotions often drown out the rational part of our brain. Indeed, research tells us this first stage is marked by bi chemical interactions in the brain a cocktail of hormones that trigger and maintain a state of short lived intense feeling. This brain glow can often lead us to become "addicted" to our partners and to ignore incompatibilities, red flags, or other issues.
What to do in this relationship stage.
Enjoy this stage to the fullest, this is the stuff that makes dating so delightful and intriguing. At the same time, be aware of your heightened emotions. Take time to step back and observe your emotions and your relationship, and actively question whether this person really is the best match for you. Get strict advice from friends who can make sure you're not missing any truly worrisome red flags while under this love potion.
Go slow with making any big decisions, to the Meeting can blind your vision and make you want to dive into situations that might not actually be wise or healthy for you in the long run. In general, don't make decisions because you're "so in love" because that's a temporary feeling of intense feelings that will eventually fade.
The second stage of a relationship is Doubt and Denial, in which we finally start to actually notice the differences between us and our partners. We wake up from the trance of intense feelings with a thump, finding that the same qualities that once seemed so perfect have begun to annoy us. unfortunately, friction is natural once we run up against each other's differences. Power struggles increase, and we marvel at the change in our partner. Feelings of love mix with irritation. Perhaps we're not "perfect" for each other after all.
As disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress. Depending on personality and circumstances, one may want to fight or to withdraw. For example, one may feel the need to fight to defend their values, which may actually translate into the desire to have everything your own way. It makes little sense to expect another person to be just like we are, and yet, at some level, many of us do tend to ask, "Why aren't you like me?"
What to do in this relationship stage.
At this point, the skills of conflict management are essential. Learn how to reduce the conflicts and face relationship problems head-on while treating each other with care and respect. Remember that power struggles and arguments are normal parts of a relationship; they're not necessarily a sign that love is fading or that the relationship is not working. One will need to learn to identify the difference between healthy disagreement and unhealthy control issues; the former can be worked through, while the latter may be a sign of a breakup ahead.
Because this is the stage where you're starting to recognize your differences, this second stage of a relationship is also a good time to learn your love languages. There are five love languages and it's important for each person to know how their partner wants to receive love.
Disillusionment stage. This is the coldest season of love, one that may feel like the end of the road for some couples. At this point, the power struggles in the relationship have come fully to the surface the issues the couple have consistently hidden under the rug. Some people become pre meditated and vigilant, ready to fly into battle at the slightest provocation. Other couples might quietly move apart over time, putting less and less energy into maintaining the relationship and investing more outside of it.
At this point, the original experience of passionate love is often a distant memory. The "I" reemerges, a state that feels a lot safer than our former blissful experience of "we." Nevertheless, some couples may not question their commitment; instead, they may see this as a strong message that things need to change.
What to do in this relationship stage.
Clear the air and create space. Stop pushing problems under the rug and avoiding issues; as tiring as the repetitive arguments may feel, pushing them under the rug just leaves a lumpy carpet with much to trip over.
There may be a lot of negative energy in the relationship at this stage. To offset this, practice showing affection even when upset. Can you feel angry and be aware that something isn't working that you need to talk about but still go to dinner and a movie together?
During the Meeting stage, the brain notices only the positive and avoids anything that challenges that view. In the Disillusionment stage, the brain is zeroing in on all the relationship's deficiencies.
The fourth stage of a relationship is called the Decision because you're at a breaking point. Emotional breakdowns, leaving the house for hours to get away from each other after a fight, and self-protective behaviors are all commonplace. So, too, is indifference and remoteness.
In this stage, we make a decision whether that's to leave, to stay and do nothing despite how miserable we are, or to stay and actually work on fixing this relationship.
What to do in this relationship stage.
couples at this stage are always encourage them to consider taking a new path, which is to decide to do some work before making a choice about the relationship.
Doing the work involves understanding your own role in your relationship's deterioration and committing to real change. If we make this last choice, we can learn the lessons that will help us become the best people we can be as we give our relationship the chance to grow and deepen.
Even if couples do make the choice to part ways, they can often do so in a constructive way, wishing one another well and understanding their own part in what happened.
The fifth stage of a relationship is Wholehearted Love when our relationship is at its healthiest and most rewarding. It's love's best time when the fruits of a couple's labors are fully ripe and ready to be enjoyed. Couples experience true individuation, self-discovery, and the acceptance of imperfection in both themselves and their partners, recognizing there is no such thing as a "perfect match." It still involves hard work.
In this stage, couples also begin to play together again. They can laugh, relax, and deeply enjoy each other. They even can experience some of the thrilling passion, joys, and sex of the Merge as each person rediscovers themselves in ways that let them fall in love with each other all over again.
What to do in this relationship stage.
Enjoy yourself. The Wholehearted Love stage is fueled by the qualities of two wholehearted people: generosity, humor, flexibility, resilience, good boundaries, self-care, and a life with meaning and purpose.
